Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?