waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6