waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.