Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?