Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?