Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
True
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.