Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
how to market bottled water to dads
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.