waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts