waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
The French word for sex is croissant.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.