waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Church Pugh’s
Lucky for them, they’re cute
