@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

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@fro_vo

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

@13spencer

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

@chrisdowning

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

@dave_cactus

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

@wickedsuga

*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn

@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@8bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people