waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

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[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words


A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.


Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.


WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.


*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn


this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight


date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex


me: *yelling* avada kedavra


– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people