Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.