Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.