Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom