Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.