Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
You Might Also Like
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.