Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*