waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side