Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

At ease

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all