Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

One of the best

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Kids, do not try this at home!

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Mornin

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

This makes total sense…