Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Dead
Alive
Other✔

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”