Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.