Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician