WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you