Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You Might Also Like
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*3.5 thank you very much.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’M CRYINGGG
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog