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@OctopusCaveman: Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
@starsnbars7: When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
@Marlebean: Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
@DanorSlim: "What're you like in the bedroom?"
@smilely_gal: 7: "Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?"
Me: "Are you the someone?"
@ieatanddrink: I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials