Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.