How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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is this a warning or an offer?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.