@OctopusCaveman

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

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@AbbyHasIssues

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

@PleaseBeGneiss

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

@eileencurtright

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

@SentenceReduced

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?