Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Woke up against my better judgment again

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

This is why I hate group projects

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.