Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal