WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*