waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
You Might Also Like
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.