waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.