Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
this chia pet tastes awful
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.