Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You Might Also Like
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Brands during Pride
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.