Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Sorry not sorry.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games