WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
🙋♀️
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The Struggle
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one