Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.