Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

I thought this was funny lol

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.