Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
You Might Also Like
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”