Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.