waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”