waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Today’s Times
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
How can I say no to this ?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Barbie gone wild
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.