waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I wish this was real life…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*