waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’