Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

The options really are this bad

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.