Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too