Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)