Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

😂😂

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!