Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

What a website

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.