Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night