Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

A comic by Dan Piraro

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy