Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.