Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.