Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.