“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]