“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”