waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
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Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”