Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

found this cool rock hiking today

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

My dad is at it again

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.