Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

sugar glider wrangler

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.