waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
This is painfully accurate 😅
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
