Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it