Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

yikes

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

the chicken was already gone when I got here

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”