Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
This is sending me to another galaxy
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
good morning
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot