Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bury ourselves

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

$4 #usedbooks

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

always be there

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.