waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Worth the read.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
