waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably