waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
