Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
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Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
where’s Godzilla when we need him