Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

yeah 😭

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Sharon, call the vet

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets