Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.