Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I was bored.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*